Monday, February 10, 2014

A Case of Bleh

You know, I read all those cool writer quotes and they just sound so understanding of a writer's struggles. Some are really funny and some very serious. Some chide you into making plans and plots and charts and appointments with yourself. I mean, with all that stuff on Pinterest, how can you not find inspiration and encouragement to write. 

Beats me.

I started in January working on my novel, the one I've been working on for ... too long. I love the story that has evolved and continues to evolve. Since I began this year's mission, I've been very excited by what I've been able to accomplish. I mean, I actually developed a timeline.. well, I started it. I haven't got the whole timeline done but it seems to be going along very well. Except when it doesn't and I have to reset it to a different day, three times. But I got past that. Until I had to reset some of the scenes. But since I'm trying to reorder and fill in the blanks, that's going to happen. Apparently, a lot. 

I'd just like to get past the halfway point in the story. There isn't enough story yet but the halfway point teases me. I mean, I think I'm going to get there only to find this gaping hole in the road, so to speak. Or maybe it it more like this huge piece of the trail missing... at 15,000 feet... and they did not install the hand rails this high up. I just write it and move across but in the next section... it falls down. Now I'm stuck on the wrong side, at the wrong time. I move some stuff, write some stuff, and now the trail is as good as new. Until I reach that curve where the whole thing is just gone. I'll deal with that later. I'm going to rest for a bit. Maybe have lunch. And dinner.

Still, things have been moving at a fairly steady pace. I've met my goals nearly every week. Until February. I've been sick with some of the worst pain I've had in a long time. If this winter gets much worse, I don't know if I can handle it. I'm ready to move to Arizona. I have a contact there. Maybe I should have him looking for a shack in the desert for me. Never mind. I'm not crazy about desert wildlife. 

Anyway, the pain in my joints was bad but I have to say, the pain in my neck has been beyond endurance. I'm not sure.. no I'm positive I have no words to tell you how bad it hurts. I had swelling in the left side of my neck that caused pain and numbness in my neck and jaw. I was unable to turn my head in any direction without shooting pains. I expected to see sparks fly out my ears from the current that appeared to be coursing through the tendons and muscles in my neck. They've (doctors) done nothing about it. No advice, no suggestions, no meds. I've awakened in the middle of the night screaming as some electric current shoots through my neck and I dream of hot blue cords in there. The pain is agonizing. I get up in the morning nearly dead from a bad night's sleep. I can only sit in a firm chair, straight up, looking straight ahead. I'm dying I think. If I'm not, I might consider it. This is hell. No really, it is hell and devils are sticking me with hot forks. I'm nearly done.

Still I tried to write. But finally, when the pain made it impossible to sit up or lie down I gave up. So, for at least two weeks, virtually no writing has happened. I've sought comfortable positions everywhere. Nothing last long. As of Sunday, three weeks after this started, I began to feel a slight improvement. I'm still having the numb spot on my left jawbone. I'm pretty sure there are some nerves being pinched all around my neck. But it is a bit more bearable. Today.

Tonight I actually got 300 words down! Wow, I'm elated. Not. I hate when the pain gets so bad it robs me of an ability to function, to create anything. And the exhaustion that has resulted from dealing with unrelenting, intense pain takes whatever initiative I have left. I get a hot towel, wrap it around my neck, lock it into place with a next pillow, and grab a blanket. I get as comfortable as possible. I might be good for 15 minutes before I have to reheat the towel to about 100 degrees.. not sure about that. Must measure it. Very, very hot. My neck turns red. Sometimes I have to put a cloth between me and the towel. 

So, here we be, we three. Me, my pain, and my frustration. My novel is somewhere around here. Maybe in that case of Bleh. 

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