A Matter of Detente

Today's post isn't about writing except that I'm writing it. You see, this week I've been traveling. In fact for a small town girl, I've done a lot of traveling in my lifetime. In that time I've seen a lot of public toilets and this has resulted in a pet peeve, actually a couple of them. The first one is toilet paper. Yes, toilet paper.

I'm not sure you're aware but all toilet paper is not created equally. Americans have vastly improved toilet paper and I believe this is probably a solution to world peace. If everyone had soft toilet paper, there might not be so many wars. Let's face it, corn cobs and something approximating sandpaper were the thing until the 20th century when Northern produced what they called the first splinter-free paper.

Wars until then were pretty rampant. I suspect that European toilet paper may have been a major factor in WWI, WWII, and probably the Korean War. This is not to belittle the horrors of those wars but had someone come up with something more humane for personal hygiene, perhaps all those crazies that started the messes might have been happier. Who knows the emotional and mental damage of getting a splinter, well, where the sun doesn't shine. I'm so happy Northern took the initiative. They should have won a Nobel Peace Prize but it hadn't been invented yet.

Of course, I don't think the war changed things in some locals. When we lived in Frankfurt, Germany in the 70's I was horrified at what passed for toilet paper in public restrooms or WC's as they call them across the pond. It was more like construction paper with a texture of crepe paper. I kid you not. Needless to say, I bought my TP at the Army Commissary. When I came back to the states I was relieved (no pun intended) to find that particular European fad had not caught on in the US. While US TP in public restrooms is not quilted or squeezable, it is also not an art project. It is more like an experiment in the theory of melting. I think they've mastered the process of getting the paper to dissolve quickly and completely in fluids. They forgot the purpose of the stuff.

This brings us to my second pet peeve which, if I'm truthful, should be my first one. Number 2 (again, no pun intended) is toilet paper dispensers in public restrooms. Yep. Those honking big clunkers hung on the wall of every public restroom in America are my number 2 pet peeve.

This week has opened my eyes to the horrible conditions in public restrooms across America, particularly in State rest stops. I mean, come on. We're the nation who created the Empire State Building, The Arch in St. Louis, the Hoover Dam, and the Golden Gate Bridge. You'd think we'd figure out how to hang a toilet paper dispenser. Really. We landed the first man on the moon, for heaven's sake! This is not rocket science.I mean, who hangs these things?

The ADA has a set of specifications for making a bathroom accessible for handicapped persons. Their recommendation for TP is 18" from the floor. I am willing to bet even handicapped folks have problems with the toilet paper in restrooms. I mean, 18 inches isn't even above the toilet seat.

Another problem is that it seems 18 inches means different things to different people. I have had to perform some ridiculous acrobatics to obtain toilet paper. Once, I had to actually bend over and reach about 7 inches below knee level and up into the dispenser to get the paper out. Another time, I could rest my arm on the top of the thing. That time, I had to lean back and reach behind the dispenser to get to the paper.  Once I visited a restroom that was a single toilet. The dispenser for the toilet paper was across the room, three feet away. The list goes on.

Correct placement

I'm not sure there is a solution to this massive problem but I'm advocating immediate reevaluation of this guideline and retraining of all maintenance personnel in the correct method of hanging toilet paper dispensers. In fact, I have a simple method that, if followed, will ensure that all dispensers will be located where everyone can easily access the contents. Hang the stupid things four feet off the floor and just ahead of the toilet seat. That's it. You just reach out and grab the paper.

I know many of you will not take this seriously but I do not believe I'm the only person in the world who has a problem with these things. Another thing you should remember is that Freud attributed criminal and deviant behavior to problems in potty training. Imagine how many people are being scarred by the struggle to obtain toilet paper. I'm telling you. War could be imminent.