A Little Bitty Ditty for ALL My Dads

 A long time ago, say around 1993, I had an actual webpage. Back then there wasn't Facebook, but you could easily learn HTML online and create these cool pages. So I did. I had a lot of of poetry written in the 80's, just for fun. I'm not a poet, and I know it. 

Tonight, looking for inspiration to work on a project, I found this thing. I wrote it for father's day and posted it on that webpage. The "Dads" were the men in my life that served that function in some capacity. First, my grandfather who raised me, second, my uncle who stepped into the place of a father when my grandmother died, and my biological dad that I reconnected with after 35 yrs in about 1984. I share this Little Bitty Ditty below.

I sat down before my computer
With confidence and determination.
I knew I could knock out twenty lines
To express my great love and affection.

But when confronted by the desert,
A thirsty man craves a drink.
And when confronted by an empty page,
This writer draws an absolute blank.

So after much thought and struggle,
Followed swiftly by prayer and frustration 
I took a deep breath and stiffened my spine
And promptly passed out due to poor oxygenation.

Upon my return, I decided simple is best
Who said I had to write a rhyme, anyway?
So here it is in a clichéd nutshell 
I love you true, so Happy Father's Day!

The Rest of the Story

My morning started at 7:24 a.m. when some nebulous sound woke me. I'm not one to stay in bed if I'm wide awake, so I rolled out. The sensation of little pain when I did it surprised and thrilled me. Compared to the last three weeks, my pain level felt like a 3. That's manageable if I'm careful. 

Yesterday I still could not accomplish much but felt I could go to my Monday night Shut Up & Write meeting at Panera. I'm glad I did. I wrote for an hour and got just over 1300 words. It feels wonderful to be writing again. I don't know if it's any good, but telling the story is so awesome. 

The meetings are relaxing and fun. We write the first hour, and the next hour we talk. We've had new folks join us at nearly every meeting. My experience is that writers are some of the nicest folks you can meet. I'm truly grateful to be able to join in.

Now I have a story to tell. Some of you may know that I adopted two kittens from the Humane Society several months ago. They're about 6 months old now, and I really enjoy their company now that Sarah and Chaz are gone.

Jet & Kiki both fell ill about 2 weeks after I got them and I spent a small fortune on vet bills. Kiki got well with the meds, but Jet had to go back a week later for a secondary illness and get more meds. All together it was over $300 for two strays. What can I say? I don't believe in letting an animal suffer.

They both recovered eventually and wreaked havoc on my life.

Kiki is sneaky and a curtain climber. She's getting better, but punishment has been pretty harsh. I've thrown pillows at her and dish towels. She's smaller and daintier than Jet and has a very sweet disposition. You don't pet her unless she wants to be petted, and she'll leave the room if you try.

Jet, alternatively, is quite the lover boy and typical male. The constant attention when he was very ill turned him into a demanding boy. He loves being petted and sleeping on your lap. When he plays, he plays hard, running, jumping, and tossing mylar balls for up to an hour. I'm usually a wreck by the time he's done because he insists that I play ball or he gets it hung under my chair or behind something he's not supposed to mess with.

In fact, he messes with anything he's not supposed to mess with, and that's pretty much every knick knack I own. Some are special as they came from all over the world. Oh, and anything dangling such as yarn or power cords is irresistible to him. He's everything I hate in a cat. But he's absolutely adorable when he's good. Well, let's face it, we all love to be loved. Jet loves me. His love is centered in gratitude, and so I tolerate the odious behaviors. He too gets pillows and towels and quite a few yells.

Jet is also an unrepentant thief. He steals everything; Chapstick, hair ties, phone styluses, and my eyeglass repair kit (which I found under the file cabinet ). Kiki watches with interest from a corner of the room. Sitting there like a tiny Sphinx, wondering if he'll use up a life this time or if he'll get away with it. He often gets away with it. He's even started getting on the counters, an absolute no-no, and Kiki watches. She's too small to make the leap yet.

This last two weeks, Jet has been sick again. He's had a terrible bout of diarrhea. I've wracked my brain trying to figure out the cause of it. There's been no new food, no trips out of the house, nothing that I can find that he could ingest. The mouse traps are out of reach. I keep the counters free of foodstuffs because of mice so there wasn't anything there. I also worried because I take some pretty toxic medicines and I'm always afraid I'll drop something they might eat and it would kill them. My search revealed nothing that could be the cause. I decided it was probably a virus and next Kiki would be sick. They insist on using the same litter box no matter I put two down.

But Kiki didn't get sick. In fact, she's fine. Jet, on the other hand, has diarrhea the consistency of soft serve ice cream after about 5 minutes and he's barely making it to the box. The hideously messy substance smells like an outhouse. I'm cleaning the box several times a day, including wiping down the sides with bleach wipes! It's so awful I keep the Lysol spray handy. I decided this week I should take him to the vet. I delayed because I was sick with a cold, in a lot of pain with the back and hips, and the expense of the $400 heating repair overruled me. 

This morning I was getting coffee ready when I notice a cup on the stove I keep my bacon drippings in. I keep it tightly covered with a heavy foil cover, and it has never been a problem. For several days now, I've found the top off. I figured I'd dislodged it moving things around, but I couldn't believe I'd leave it open all night. I don't have bugs or mice at the moment, but I've had issues in the past and I'm careful about leaving things open or out. No food and bleached counters keep them away.

Suddenly, a glimmer of light appeared. I picked up the cup. I haven't cooked with bacon drippings in some time, and as I said, that lid is never off unless I take it off. I created it, and it's worked well for years. I make a new one regularly. It's been off at least 4 times this week ... that I can remember.

I studied the contents. I can't be sure. I turn and look at Jet. He must sense something because he looks back from a crouched position and then darts into the den. The effects of bacon grease on a cat's intestinal track can't be good. I mean, I don't think it will kill him or anything but ... it can't be good. In fact, I suspect it could cause diarrhea the consistency of soft serve ice cream setting out for 5 minutes. 

After a discussion about this I may have said something like, "Well, if you did that, you deserve what you got." I put the cup in the fridge until I can clear it out.

Now I'm going to have to go buy bacon and fry it up to get more drippings. Imagine the trouble that's going to be.

Battle of Wits

Today I embraced my seniority.

You mean you admitted you're old? 

What? NO! OK. Yes, I did. I called SWIRCA to get information about their exercise programs. I heard they had them and well...

You also admitted you're fat?

NO! Now, wait a minute. Sheesh, I really need to find someone to talk to besides myself.

Oh, I think you're doing fine. Honesty is good for the soul. Keep going. I'm listening. 

I can't talk to you. You're insulting. I'm trying to make a point here and you're twisting my words.

Remember, I'm the logical side of your brain. 

Yes, but I'm right brained.

Meaningless.

I also wrote 771 words today. 

Oh, so you got off your fat butt and walked over to the computer. Great start on that exercise program. What story was it?

....

That's not really steam coming out your ears, you know. 

Shows how good my imagination is. 

Story?

It doesn't have a name. It is one that was lying around in my files. 

Wasting away, unlike some people we know. So, a "new" story. While the others lie unfinished and hopelessly confused. You've left Simon with a dead agent. You've left Alexandra with a nearly dead boyfriend. You left Beth and her two children homeless with a suitcase of stolen money. You've left Marley sitting in the woods.

No! Marley has been rescued.

Oh yeah, right! And her attacker is on his way to kill her so she can't tell on him. That's an improvement. Never mind the gaping hole right in the middle of the darn thing! Oh, and let me see... You have another dead guy in the church basement floating in two feet of water. How'm I doing?

Great. Just great.

You know, you really shouldn't grind your teeth like that. You'll need dentures.

Are you going soft on me? No comment on all the dental work?

Well, no one would have known if you hadn't mentioned it.

I'm leaving now. 

So, where are you going?

To bed. It's late and 5 a.m. comes early.

I'm not sleepy. 

That figures. There is a puzzle book on the Kindle. That'll put you down.

I'll be here in the morning. Waiting.

Sacred Things

I decided this week that there are some things that are sacred. I mean, they are so ingrained in our psyche that they are symbols of high ideals and profound wisdom. Millions hold the Bible as a sacred symbol of salvation, Christianity, wisdom, and moral direction. Our American flag is still sacred to the majority of Americans, regardless of what the media alphabet soup would have you believe. Once it was a global symbol of freedom. In recent years, that has shifted to a global symbol of the handout and criminal rights. Well, that's my take on it.

There are other sacred things around us. I'm sure you have your own list and we all know you don't mess with our sacred things. They're not to be trifled with and certainly not changed. Don't be taking no stars off that flag. Don't be moving the stripes. Hang it right side up unless you're a military installation in distress. Don't mess with the sacred!

Of course, the Powers That Be (PTB) always do. This week I looked and realized that someone has sinned greatly. Do you see it? For the uninitiated, that is a package of Nabisco Fig Newtons. Never mind that this contains fewer Newtons that the packages of the past. (And the content of this one is nearly depleted). That's bad enough. No. The problem here, the great transgression is not content. It is PACKAGING!

I don't know who decided that Fig Newtons should be packaged in a clear plastic tray, and then plastic wrapped in a bag with a resealable flap but you, sir, are way out of line. Fig Newtons are to be packaged in clear cellophane stacks. STACKS, sir, not trays! If I didn't love Fig Newtons so much, I would consign you to the backside of cookie hell. The flames of your ovens would rage ten times hotter and singe your eyebrows.

Fortunately for you, they are a great love of mine and I am forced to show mercy. However, I am not happy. Not only are they no longer stacked where I can simply pull out the stack and carry it with me, the entire package now contains little more than the content of one of the old STACKS! You hear me? A stack! So now, if I decide I want to travel and carry Fig Newtons with me I am forced to mete out a specific amount, put them in a Ziploc bag to protect their freshness, and put this in a lunchbox. Really? This is convenience? I think not.

You have profaned the sacred. Fig Newtons are forever changed unless someone comes to their senses and repents. I'm serious here.

Oh, and another thing. They are FIG Newtons, not strawberry, blueberry, or apple Newtons. There is no such thing as a Strawberry Fig Newton! Seriously, I know a lot of things have changed but a fig is a fig and a strawberry is a strawberry and never the twain shall meet!

I'm distraught, disgusted, and well, I'm out of 'd' words that work. This is an unconscionable act. I will leave this here now and try to console myself, perhaps with a glass of cold milk and ... Fig Newtons. From a tray. Not a stack.

Things I'll Never Do & Why

I see these Bucket List posted every once in awhile. They don't seem to be as popular as they were when the movie came out but they still show up.

After thinking about it, I decided I would be more accurate to create my UnBucket List. I mean, let's face it, I have a better chance of not doing something than I have of doing it. Right? So, here is some of my UnBucket List

See the Taj Mahal - It is a tomb for gosh sakes! I don't care if her husband built if for her and it is a beautiful building. She's dead. Where's he? Betting he remarried and moved on.

Visit Machu Picchu - This is unfortunate because I'd absolutely love to go here but my knees... mmmm not thinking it is going to happen, so I'll just leave it here.

See the North Pole - I live down the block. I hate cold.

Visit Washington DC - Look, the stuff that's been coming out of Washington for the last decade has made me violently ill. If I go there, I'm likely to die. There's probably a statistic somewhere about that.

Ride an elephant - Do I look stupid? What would be the point? Besides, everything I've read says they are bristly and dirty. Nah, I'm good.

Ride a camel - I have no plans to associate with something that will spit at me. Besides, they just don't look comfortable.

Ride a llama - See above. Unless it is to haul my big self up to Machu Picchu.

Visit the Middle East - I'm waiting until they all get here.

Sail around the world - I've had a cruise. It was enjoyable for a minute but I have to tell you the truth. I saw the whole boat in two days. After that, it is just a mall on water and you're trapped. I adored the shore excursion, which should tell you a lot.

Go deep sea fishing - Nah, just leave me on the beach with an ice chest. Pick me up when you come back.

Shoot an animal for food - I grew up with hunters and learned to shoot before I learned to drive. I was a very good shot. But I'm not interested in hunting so I'll leave the hunting to the pros.

Buy a pool - I'm waiting until I win the lottery. Right.

I suspect there is a lot more but we'll save it for another day.

Selective Reading

Sarah and I had a conversation on the way home from school today. I always find these so entertaining and enlightening.

We've had a lot of rain in the last few weeks. Last weekend our street was flooded and, while we are above the flood zone, our neighbors are not. We didn't have to leave the house but several of them had to move their cars to higher ground. 

Today we had misting rain and Sarah noted that, like me, she loves rain. However, she said that she wasn't happy with the flooding issues. 

She commented, "I thought God said he wouldn't flood anything anymore?"

I said, "That's not exactly what he said."

"In the Bible it says he wouldn't make it flood anymore," she said.

"No, he said that he wouldn't destroy the world by flood anymore," I said.

"Oh." 

I added, "The next time he'll do it by fire."

"What?"

"The Bible says that the next time God will destroy the world by fire."

Long pause and then she said in a strained voice, "And that's why I don't read some chapters in the Bible."

Hmmm.