Sail Away

I joined the gym. Yes, I did. Three weeks ago I signed up at Planet Fitness. I've been four times but this will increase as I get stronger. That's my hope.

The first thing I notice on the days I've worked out is I feel much better. It seems to eliminate my fatigue and reduce pain. This sounds crazy but I'll take what I can get. For now, I'm doing a 30 minute circuit on machines that work my whole body. My strength is terrible because of my fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis. The ruptured disk and following surgery didn't improve the situation.

However, since I began the physical therapy in January, I can tell I'm stronger. I still have very little stamina, though and I'm hoping that the new exercise routine will help with that.

Writing? It's bad. I've done short bouts here and there but the truth is I've been so fatigued that most days I can't do more than watch movies, play video games, or read. My brain just doesn't function on those days. Pain, brain fog, and fatigue have all but drained my creative mind. In the last couple of weeks, I have seen some improvement because I suddenly wanted to do some crochet. Usually I write and crochet so perhaps this is a sign that getting exercise is improving my clarity.

That sums up the last 5 months, I think. Sad, isn't it? For several months, I've felt tormented by thoughts I should just throw in the towel and stop trying. Toss the stories in progress, wipe the hard drives, and move on to something else. It is the most frightening thing I've ever contemplated. I can't do that. I want to write. The unfairness of my illness seems even worse when I think about how it has robbed me of so many of the joys in my life. Writing is the one place I didn't think it could reach.

For now, I refuse to entertain the notion that I won't write again. I will do my best. Keep plodding a few hundred words at a time. But I'm not happy with that. I want to sail away in that stream of consciousness writing that carries me away to different lands. I stand on the dock waiting for the boat to pick me up.