How It Goes

The struggle is real. I managed to work a few hours this week on The Long Summer Run. It just hit me that I wanted ... no needed to write. I have so many ideas that run through my head and have not even felt the urge. I've been sick for months with some sort of respiratory issue and my RA has really not been behaving well. 

I suspect the inflammation has been so high because of the compound issues. I've been on antibiotics and steroids within a single month. It took that long for the sinus infection to clear up, at least the worst of it. I am still having issues with drainage that cause coughing fits. I get embarrassed to go out. Today, I'm revisiting my RA doctor to see if we can get this mess to back off.

However, I had a sudden urge to write. So I did. I worked for several hours. The plan was to come back the next day. Unfortunately, plumbing issues arose and Sarah started her job and school. Sarah is my 17yr old granddaughter who has returned home to live with me after several years away. If you read my other blogs, or are on my Facebook page, you'll have run into references of her growing up. 

Anyway, with all this going on, I didn't get back to the novel. 

(✿◡‿◡)

And as of today, 14 days have passed. Yep. That's how it goes. I didn't get back to the novel. My doctor did nothing but tell me she was retiring. And I'm still struggling with pain, fatigue, and the congestion problems. 

However, last night that urge reappeared, and I worked for a bit on a segment of The Dream Stealer. I don't know why I bother with anything. Something else always interferes. And I know that we're supposed to prioritize our writing. Unfortunately, when you have doctor's appointments, children to get where they need to go, family who also rely on your help, church, running your legs off to find supplies because these days it seems there's not enough of the necessities at any one store. Anyway, by the end of the day, I'm wiped out. Fibromyalgia is a hag.

I enjoyed writing and today I woke with a better mindset and took the time available and do it. And I promptly began working on something for one of my blogs and got distracted searching for information I needed. 

ㄟ( ▔, ▔ )ㄏ

That folks, is the story of my life. When I realized I was caught in a spiral, I shut down the browser for everything but this post. I've got too many irons in the writing inferno. Three blogs, all different. I've considered consolidating a couple, but there are problems with that idea. So I plod along.

For now, I'm going to end here because, let's face it, it is two weeks overdue! I wish you a beautiful day, a wonderful weekend, and many blessings. 

Write any way, anywhere, anytime you are able. 

Light in the Tunnel

We've made it another day, but what a few weeks it's been. I've been more or less crippled by hip pain for more the last three weeks. I'm not sure why it suddenly flared up so much. I've been having problems in my lower back for months and didn't know what was triggering it but now I suspect it is actually my hips. I'm sure there are also some pinched nerves in my lower back, but that's been secondary this time around.

For two of three weekends I've needed a cane to walk when I got up in the mornings. I've missed going to the gym because I feared I'd make the problem worse, but to my surprise, working with the weight machines made it better. I stayed home the last 4 days. The pain was just too much.

Today, in the late afternoon, I realized it felt better. I've thrown everything at it: medicines, both topical and pills, heat pads, hot showers. Nothing seemed to help but the acetaminophen, which probably helped the inflammation. I'm not supposed to take it because of the risk to my liver. I can only say that taking it is the lesser evil. Today, I hope, is a turning point.

Since I felt better, I went to the writer's meeting and knocked out 1412 words. I've been attending the Shut Up & Write meeting on Monday nights for three weeks. It feels so good to write again. So far, I've written just over 3000 words at the meetings. I've avoided trying to write at home this last 3 weeks because I wasn't feeling well anyway and thought trying to make myself write would only lead to further stress and more blocks.

I've met several new people at the meetings, too. We use the last hour to chat and get acquainted. That's a bonus for me since I don't get to socialize much these days. 

I can't get too optimistic but it feels like there is light at the end of the tunnel. If I can keep going, I might get something accomplished.

If you're a writer, looking to connect and write with other writers in person, I encourage you to look up Shut Up & Write to see if there is a group in your area. If you're in S. Indiana, look up our group.

Sail Away

I joined the gym. Yes, I did. Three weeks ago I signed up at Planet Fitness. I've been four times but this will increase as I get stronger. That's my hope.

The first thing I notice on the days I've worked out is I feel much better. It seems to eliminate my fatigue and reduce pain. This sounds crazy but I'll take what I can get. For now, I'm doing a 30 minute circuit on machines that work my whole body. My strength is terrible because of my fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis. The ruptured disk and following surgery didn't improve the situation.

However, since I began the physical therapy in January, I can tell I'm stronger. I still have very little stamina, though and I'm hoping that the new exercise routine will help with that.

Writing? It's bad. I've done short bouts here and there but the truth is I've been so fatigued that most days I can't do more than watch movies, play video games, or read. My brain just doesn't function on those days. Pain, brain fog, and fatigue have all but drained my creative mind. In the last couple of weeks, I have seen some improvement because I suddenly wanted to do some crochet. Usually I write and crochet so perhaps this is a sign that getting exercise is improving my clarity.

That sums up the last 5 months, I think. Sad, isn't it? For several months, I've felt tormented by thoughts I should just throw in the towel and stop trying. Toss the stories in progress, wipe the hard drives, and move on to something else. It is the most frightening thing I've ever contemplated. I can't do that. I want to write. The unfairness of my illness seems even worse when I think about how it has robbed me of so many of the joys in my life. Writing is the one place I didn't think it could reach.

For now, I refuse to entertain the notion that I won't write again. I will do my best. Keep plodding a few hundred words at a time. But I'm not happy with that. I want to sail away in that stream of consciousness writing that carries me away to different lands. I stand on the dock waiting for the boat to pick me up.

Terror in my Mind

Courtesy Pixabay.com

It is raining but that's better than snow. It is still cold. I'm slightly better but I'm fighting fatigue like it was some giant troll from The Hobbit. I'm coughing less but no less choking. Either the crud in my chest is gone or I'm starting over.

I did attempt a little bit of writing one day over the weekend but I couldn't tell you which one. A few times I sat down to write but was so tired I couldn't sit up. This morning, after going to bed at 8:30 last night and getting up at 6 a.m., I still had to lie down at 8 a.m. and sleep for 2 hrs. After which, I was still tired and couldn't even put away that last load of laundry.

It is depressing. I recognize the symptoms. I've been sick a month and after the year I had last year, it is so discouraging to not be able to do anything worthwhile. I have a story that is 5000 words short of a completed first draft. Oh, a piece of cake, you think? Only if your brain works and you can stay awake. Before all this, I could have done that in 2 hours. Really.

I would really be curious to hear from other writers with auto-immune disorders that are impacting their life in this way. I retired in 2013 and thought that less stress would help. It hasn't. In fact, I've gotten worse. Most days I feel totally out of control of my own life. When I read over what I've written, I can see that it is really good, very good. And it makes me a sick to think I'll never get it finished.

Oh wow. This wasn't meant to be a pity party. I'm sorry. I was going to write about something else entirely. It is 8:40 p.m. here and I'm about to head off to bed. Despite about 12 hrs sleep in the last 24, I'm tired. I keep thinking this will pass soon. Time is relative.

In a few weeks, I'll see my doctors again and discuss this with them. I do think one problem is that I've lost a lot of physical strength since I blew the disk in my back. I have no stamina and I need to get out and do some physical activity to rebuild that. But it is harder the older you get. Once, I'd have just started an aerobics routine and built up in a few weeks to an hour workout. The thought exhausts me now.

I hope your writing is progressing and if you're struggling with physical problems that interfere with your writing, just keep going. Don't give up or lose heart.  You'll feel worse if you stop. I've been entertaining that thought for weeks now. I'll just give up. No more writing. No more stories. No listening to the voice whisper adventures in the night. Just stop.

That is the most terrifying thought I've ever experienced.

Batter Up!

For this NaNo, I've been working on a previous NaNo novel. I haven't done much because of the back surgery and the nerve problem in my hand and arm have interfered with my ability to type. I've tried speech recognition software and managed to get some writing done. That's better than nothing. This last week, I worked on typing a bit. With over 60K words already written and a projected 30K to go, I've only produced the proverbial drop in the bucket. But I'm hopeful. At least, today I'm hopeful.

I really love this story, which is a far cry from most of my other NaNo novels. I only have one other that I truly love and it too is very near completion. My problem is that life is constantly throwing me curve balls in the form of illness or catastrophes such as a ruptured disk compressing my spine. To the point that I've despaired of finishing either novel. But I am working on both of them. 

Yes, both. I've decided that the way to deal with a curve ball is to find a new batting style. I've decided to ask what novel I want to work on for the day and to work on that one. If I grow tired or hit a roadblock, I will work on the other one. This has actually helped because it removes some my excuses for not writing at all and I manage to make some progress.

It never fails when I'm working on something that another story comes to mind that I could be working on. I try sticking to one but sometimes, I just hit a spot I feel I can't go further. Usually, that can shut me down for a while. Now, I just open the other story and start working on that. This has been surprisingly helpful. It means I'm writing. It also means boredom isn't a factor in my writing. I also found that it tends to push me to try to stick with the story I have open. Because after all, I want to finish ONE of them!

Maybe it isn't the best solution but at the end of the week, I'll have worked on two stories instead of one. Right now I'm focusing on All That's Holy because I really need to get some things structured. The story is complex and has a parallel structure. So, a lot going on and it feels all over the place. It probably isn't as bad as it feels but there is a lot of work to do on it before the 1st draft is done.

I hope your writing week has been productive, despite the holiday stupor that gets to all of us.

The Voices In My Head

Thanks Pixabay.com

I spent a whole day this past week wondering why I bother. Why do I even think about writing? What's the use? What's the point? Who am I kidding, I stink. I'm terrible. I'm sick all the time. I don't write enough. I can't think. I have so much to do and can't get my act together.

I give up! I just quit. I'm not going to bother even trying. I can't do it anyway and my mind seems to have taken a permanent vacation. So, I should, too.

Yeah, I said that.

And was immediately miserable.

I don't write because someone makes me. Maybe if they did, I'd be more productive. I do it because I can't help it. Even when I feel awful, I try and write something. But it seems so little that I end up angry and frustrated with myself.

Every year I start a schedule but then something happens about 4 months in that totally derails me. Usually, my RA or Fibromyalgia flares and I'm knocked down. I keep writing but the momentum is gone and sometimes, even the energy. I become too ill to get anything done.

Today was one of those days. I went back to bed after I got Sarah to school and slept hard for two more hours. The rest of the day I lay in my recliner, still exhausted. I can't tell you what I did because I don't remember. I dozed off and on all afternoon. I think I read some. I think I went somewhere.. oh yeah, to lunch with Mike. Wow, totally forgot that. My back hurt, my hand hurt, and I was so tired when I got home, it was an effort to stay awake. So, I slept. Those types of days are frequent.

I beat myself up. I flay myself until I'm bleeding from every pore. Metaphorically, of course. I fall into a depression and despair of every producing another completed piece. I quit. At least once a year.

Then, I find something in a file that I wrote. And I'm shocked because I don't remember writing it and I wonder how I wrote such beautiful prose. Then, the voices in my head start talking about the story, pouring details so fast I can't keep up. I'm driven back to the keyboard to get it all down and repeat the process.

Maybe I'll finish something. Maybe I won't. That bothers me most. But I can't stop. I can't quit. I have no choice. The voices in my head won't let me quit. They may become overwhelmed by pain and despair but they refuse to remain silent for long.

Writing Things

Courtesy Pixabay.com

September has been an unusual month and I'm just 9 days into it. I've not written much of my own since the last post. A variety of issues: unrelenting pain of the joints, skin, and tissue, birthday celebrations, and a house in dire need of cleaning have all played a part in my failing to write and perform said cleaning. 

I had a good day this week where I rapidly put away most of the laundry from last week and finished up my granddaughter's bedroom redo, i.e. hanging her pictures, plaques, and decorative items on the freshly painted walls. Also, there are now three loads of fresh laundry keeping company with the laundry which remained from my... well, this is getting as tiresome as the laundry. Just know there's still a pile of laundry. And my feet now are extremely unhappy with their enforced half day march.

I have been making an effort to read more since all over body pain makes it virtually impossible to do anything but lie in a chair that does little to alleviate pain in the pressure points. I've got several books started. Several others I've stopped because.. well, they just didn't hold my fog shrouded interest. I've taken steps to help with this by taking books to the bathroom. One always finds one can concentrate better there. Sadly, the accommodations are not equal to the Lazy Boy. Still, one might get a chapter read at times. It is unfortunate that I can't read in the shower.

Another thing I've been doing is editing the short stories for the anthology. I'm able to sit for this, but I found the long bouts at the computer to be not so good for my back and neck. However, the writers have turned them all in and now we're in the editing/revising stage. We only have two people editing so it is going to take a while and the pain involved will have to be borne. I'm doing the first round, a line edit. They revise. The next editor gets the next round. I will probably have to reread the finished product to ensure everything is formatted, but I don't want to put the horse behind the cart. 

I actually managed a visit to the library the day I had to pick up a prescription from the doctor's office. If you really want to know, see  Update to Medical Woes. I have to mail that in but I've not done it yet. Again, just getting up and doing simple tasks has been difficult with the overall pain. 

Anyway, I checked out several books I wanted to attempt to read. I am reading Spunk & Bite by Arthur Plotnik. Obviously, any writer should get the humor in the title. The cover states it is "A writer's guide to punchier, more engaging language & style." I've found it amusing and I'm actually enjoying the author's ideas of "punchier language". He practices what he preaches, to the extreme to prove a point. The title of the first chapter is E. B. Whitewashed  and he tells about the creation and subsequent incarnations of Strunk & White The Elements of Style. I recommend both books. 

I'm also reading Bloody Mary, by J. A. Konrath, that I got free for Kindle some time ago. I haven't read Konrath before, but I like his writing. This particular book is good and will probably mean that I'll read more of Konrath. That's the beauty of free. I think I've figured who the perp is and I'm not at the halfway point, but his intro promised a twist in the middle so maybe not. He writes so well and the pace is so quick that it is easy to forget how long you've been reading. I couldn't put it down last night and stayed up past my bedtime, which could account for my oversleeping this morning and having to rush to get Sarah to school. Obviously, the brain fog only extends so far.

I checked out two other books that looked interesting, but I'm not sure I'll get them read or even started. 

Fiction First Aid by Raymon Obstfeld: I like the format and the chapter titles sound interesting, so I really want to at least read some of it. It is the kind of book I'd buy for my reference shelf.

Murder and Mayhem, A Doctor Answers Medical & Forensic Question for Mystery Writers  by D. P. Lyle, M.D.: I have to say this book would be handy for any writing. It covers a hospital full of medical issues in question/answer format. You may get a little first aide along the way. I've only scanned some of it. I told my son today that I wasn't sure I could actually read the whole thing. It is quite gruesome in places, a necessity if you're doing research. There is a disclaimer in the preface that says the book is not to be used in the commission of any criminal activity. I believe he's also written a sequel. There are apparently so many ways to die it can't be covered in one book.

How To Write A Damn Good Mystery by James N. Frey: I've read something by Frey before but can't remember the name of the book. I've wanted to read this one for a while but ... never mind. So, I checked it out. If it seems useful I'll buy a copy from Amazon. 

Don't be shocked by the volume of volumes.  I used to check out twice this many books before I drifted into the Fibro Fog Bank. These days I take it a book at a time, but it is horrible for a book lover to do that. I want piles of them around me, reading a bit from each daily. I simply have problems concentrating for long periods of time on certain types of things. 

My next trick will be to work on a couple of my pieces. I'm going to stop worrying about how much writing I do and just worry about getting any writing done. 

Right.