Sail Away

I joined the gym. Yes, I did. Three weeks ago I signed up at Planet Fitness. I've been four times but this will increase as I get stronger. That's my hope.

The first thing I notice on the days I've worked out is I feel much better. It seems to eliminate my fatigue and reduce pain. This sounds crazy but I'll take what I can get. For now, I'm doing a 30 minute circuit on machines that work my whole body. My strength is terrible because of my fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis. The ruptured disk and following surgery didn't improve the situation.

However, since I began the physical therapy in January, I can tell I'm stronger. I still have very little stamina, though and I'm hoping that the new exercise routine will help with that.

Writing? It's bad. I've done short bouts here and there but the truth is I've been so fatigued that most days I can't do more than watch movies, play video games, or read. My brain just doesn't function on those days. Pain, brain fog, and fatigue have all but drained my creative mind. In the last couple of weeks, I have seen some improvement because I suddenly wanted to do some crochet. Usually I write and crochet so perhaps this is a sign that getting exercise is improving my clarity.

That sums up the last 5 months, I think. Sad, isn't it? For several months, I've felt tormented by thoughts I should just throw in the towel and stop trying. Toss the stories in progress, wipe the hard drives, and move on to something else. It is the most frightening thing I've ever contemplated. I can't do that. I want to write. The unfairness of my illness seems even worse when I think about how it has robbed me of so many of the joys in my life. Writing is the one place I didn't think it could reach.

For now, I refuse to entertain the notion that I won't write again. I will do my best. Keep plodding a few hundred words at a time. But I'm not happy with that. I want to sail away in that stream of consciousness writing that carries me away to different lands. I stand on the dock waiting for the boat to pick me up.

Finding the Silver Lining

Writers write about everything, or I do, at least. I write blogs no one reads. I write stories. I write emails to friends and relatives. I write reviews on Amazon. Really, I write everything. I even like writing in my calendar, by hand. However - I rarely write a complain letter to a manufacturer. I have done but not many and I couldn't tell you when was the last time I wrote one. Well, until this month, anyway.

Like many folks, I buy plastic bags to use for a variety of things. Sandwiches, small parts, screws, and even toiletries when I travel. I rarely use them in the freezer. Who wants hand lotions on their Sunday best. With all those new travel restrictions in the last dozen years regarding liquids, I suspect plastic bags are booming. I've even put paper items and photos in these bags. I've covered cameras while canoeing. I mean, they float when sealed.

I can't tell you what my favorite brand is but I do prefer the quart and gallon sized freezer bags. I only buy ones for freezer use because long ago I discovered these recycled really easily and have so many uses. I can wash them and put them away.

Recently, I ran out of bags so I bought a couple of boxes of Ziploc^©  bags. Let me just say here that I don't like the zippered bags at all. They don't seal well and it is just one more piece of plastic to drop in the landfill or ocean. Why would a bag with a zip feature need a zipper? So, I buy the simple old style bags. Until now, they've worked.

The last time I bought this particular brand by Ziploc^©  I noticed a slight style change. It could have been around for a while. Truthfully, I buy Glad^©  freezer bags most of the time so that's probably why I didn't notice. The store didn't have any without the added zipper feature so I opted for Ziploc^© . Anyway, on the Ziploc^©  brand, the tab at the opening of the bag is now red. The other thing I noticed is that virtually every time I use one, the extended red tab tears off when I try and open the bag. I end up tossing the bag unused because I can't open it!

What you have to remember is I have problems with my hands. Not only do I have rheumatoid arthritis, I have nerve damage in my dominant left hand that creates a dexterity/strength problem with certain tasks. Opening a plastic bag with a zip feature is one of those things. These bags seal very well. So well, in fact, that at times, I can't open them because I can't get a grip strong enough to open it. I suspect this is why they added an extended tab on only one side of the bags. It is a good idea... when it works.

This past week I ended up ripping off the tab of a bag I was attempting to open. I've done this a few times recently. This day I was particularly annoyed because the damaged hand has been giving me a lot of pain and trouble. This was the proverbial camel. I went to my computer and dashed off a complaint letter to the company. This wasn't easy. It was a bit like opening their bags. I had intended to just write a negative review but they don't have a place to do that on their site. After diligent searching, I found their "Contact Us" page.

Here is my email: 

Quart size bags with the red top. Worst bags I've ever used, and I've used all of them. The tab tears off when you try and open it, even BEFORE you use it. And nearly every time! For every two I have to toss one. I'm disgusted. These are bad for the environment already. I try and recycle as many times as possible but with this style, it is bitting my budget. No more.

I felt better. Perhaps, they'd fix the bags so folks wouldn't have the problem. I can't believe I'm the only person with a problem, so maybe there'd be a positive outcome.

There was.

Here is a part of their very courteous and sympathetic response.

We stand behind our products and we're happy to make this right. In hopes you'll continue using Ziploc®, I’m mailing five personalized, full value coupons to the address you provided. I've also tucked in a booklet of money saving coupons for a variety of SC Johnson products. Please expect them to arrive in about two weeks.
For awareness, Ziploc® Bags now use the How2Recycle Label system. You can find participating stores with drop off locations at plasticfilmrecycling.org – best options are Target, Walmart and most grocery stores. 
We sincerely appreciate hearing from you, Cynthia – please let us know if we can help in the future.

There was more but I reduced it down to the really important stuff. I appreciate that they sent me a link to find recycling locations. That's a really great thing. What I found astounding was this sentence. I’m mailing five personalized, full value coupons to the address you provided.

They're going to send me coupons to buy FIVE more boxes of these bags.

I never considered that they'd send me freebies but it is a nice thing for them to do. I simply wanted to inform them of a defect I felt their product had and my intention to not buy the bags again in their current state. While I might be able to use the booklet coupons, why would I buy FIVE more boxes of something that sends me into a conniption fit?

I take comfort in knowing they are probably going to consider this problem. I like that they were so nice and even basically offered to replace the bags. I didn't give them details about my physical problems and probably should have done so. No doubt, someone will probably call me and ask me about the problem I have opening the bags and I can explain it then. It is nice to find a company that might actually listen to customer complaints.

They say every cloud has a silver lining but this one is a bit tarnished. The sad truth is, I don't go through five boxes of these bags in a year. Seriously, I use containers to store things in the fridge or freezer. The bags are for the kind of thing I mentioned above. So, I'll probably give away some of the coupons and inflict the same frustration on friends or family.  I'll probably give them the link to the "Contact Us" page.

Resurrection D

As anyone who had read the blog in the last six weeks will know, I've been sick. A cold laid me flat and after I began to get over it, I was slammed by the worst fatigue I have had in, well, I can't remember.

Take note, please, although I've experienced some mild fatigue for the last two days I have not taken more than an hour nap and that was yesterday. I've been able to wash clothes and put away laundry, wash dishes, and I have a roast in the cooker for dinner. Yeah, I know!

Alas, no writing yet but I feel that by the end of the week I'll be able to get back into the novels. I think I'm learning patience. UGH! Whatever, I'm thankful to be almost free of that deadly exhaustion.

I do not say deadly lightly. I really was getting worried by this past Sunday. The cold was cleared up but I've been sleeping an average of 12 hrs a day. Usually 6-8 at night and then having to sleep anywhere from 4-6 hours in the daytime. It wasn't voluntary either. I had to lie down or I'd fall down and I fell asleep nearly instantly every time. I had people calling to see if I was all right because they knew something was wrong with me. So, this wasn't me being dramatic.

The good news is I think I found the cause. About a month ago, when I became so sick with the cold, I had run out of my vitamin D. I kept trying to remember to go get more but I either was too sick to go get it, couldn't remember to ask someone, or when I was out, didn't remember myself. So, I've been without vitamin D3 for about 6 weeks.

On Sunday I got depressed and desperate. I basically prayed and ask God to help me find out what was causing this problem. Because I absolutely knew it was abnormal. That evening, as I was taking my pills, something just told me to go to the store and get the vitamin D. I didn't waste time. I left in the middle of things, got it, and came back. I took 15,000 units Sunday night. Monday morning I took 15,000 unit. Yes, yes, yes, I know that is a lot. Trust me, I've been doing this a long time, over 10 years, in fact. I've been taking 10,000 units, over doctor protest, that long. I get regular bloodwork, at MY request, to monitor my blood levels of D. I have never been over 100 and toxic is 170.

Here's the thing. Several meds I take for RA actually prevent the absorption of D. In other words, any D I get, whether via sunshine, foods, or pills are blocked by those meds. When they first discovered that I had a deficiency, I had recently been diagnosed with RA and fibro. I was at a blood level of 25. The started me on 1000 units. No impact. They raised me to 2000 units. No impact. They raised me to 5000 units and got my blood up to 30.  I took that for a very long time. Until I changed doctors.

In the meantime, I did research, lots and lots of research. I read books on D and the medical studies on it and the relationship to autoimmune diseases. So, I know what I'm talking about. I had a hip problem and it developed into a leg problem and I could not walk some days without out a cane. I was in my 50's! My research revealed a connection to bone and muscle pain and D deficiency. I asked my new doc it I could take 10,000 units. She said yes. Hip and leg pain disappeared. No cane needed, thank you.

Now, back to today. As of today, the brain fog is slowly passing. Muscle pain and joint pain has decreased substantially. Remember the pain from the weekend? Go read the blog or Facebook. That pain is nearly gone. The damaged nerve in my hand is always in pain. For weeks it has been worse than when I ruptured the disk and nearly unbearable. Today... minimal pain that is bearable. I've even gone without the hand cover I wear constantly. But the major impact is that I'm not falling down with exhaustion and passing out as soon as I sit down.

For close to 5 years my doctors kept wanting me to reduce my D intake. I've refused, citing my bloodwork and the pills that are affecting absorption. Two years ago my RA doc finally conceded that I "tolerate high doses of D very well" and suggested I keep taking it. (smirk) Certainly. I never had any intention of doing differently.

I'm anxious to write now. I mean right NOW. I can actually feel my brain beginning to kick into gear. It is always astonishing. I can't believe I went 6 weeks and never made the connection. Of course, in that condition, you aren't thinking. Because I KNEW you see. I should have caught it earlier but I guess because I was so sick with the cold and not functioning well anyway that it just got by me. Please, if you hear me talking about that fatigue again, remind me!

And if you struggle with autoimmune diseases, chronic fatigue, or fibromyalgia please demand they check your D levels. If they're below 50 I'm telling you, you need more D. Do your research. Search Google Scholar because they have medical documentation of research and trials. Be very specific. For example, I research Vitamin D and medications that prevent absorption, Vitamin D and RA, D and Fibromyalgia, D and chronic fatigue. Research your disorder and Vitamin D. I think you'll be shocked. Also, you might look for a book called, The Miraculous Result of Extremely High Doses of Vitamin D This is not an endorsement of his use of extremely high doses of D. I DO NOT SUGGEST that you take high doses of D without blood work and monitoring but the data in this book is what you need. In an earlier version, he gives hundreds of links to clinical trials and articles on this topic. You don't have to have to book to research it yourself. It was just one of the triggers that got me started.

Now I will leave you. I have a school meeting that I will be able to stay awake for and then I have to get back home and with luck, I'll have my evening free to relax. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'll be taking the 15,000 units at least thru the end of the week.  I think that the weekend might just be awesome. I don't think it will be as bad as the last one.

Terror in my Mind

Courtesy Pixabay.com

It is raining but that's better than snow. It is still cold. I'm slightly better but I'm fighting fatigue like it was some giant troll from The Hobbit. I'm coughing less but no less choking. Either the crud in my chest is gone or I'm starting over.

I did attempt a little bit of writing one day over the weekend but I couldn't tell you which one. A few times I sat down to write but was so tired I couldn't sit up. This morning, after going to bed at 8:30 last night and getting up at 6 a.m., I still had to lie down at 8 a.m. and sleep for 2 hrs. After which, I was still tired and couldn't even put away that last load of laundry.

It is depressing. I recognize the symptoms. I've been sick a month and after the year I had last year, it is so discouraging to not be able to do anything worthwhile. I have a story that is 5000 words short of a completed first draft. Oh, a piece of cake, you think? Only if your brain works and you can stay awake. Before all this, I could have done that in 2 hours. Really.

I would really be curious to hear from other writers with auto-immune disorders that are impacting their life in this way. I retired in 2013 and thought that less stress would help. It hasn't. In fact, I've gotten worse. Most days I feel totally out of control of my own life. When I read over what I've written, I can see that it is really good, very good. And it makes me a sick to think I'll never get it finished.

Oh wow. This wasn't meant to be a pity party. I'm sorry. I was going to write about something else entirely. It is 8:40 p.m. here and I'm about to head off to bed. Despite about 12 hrs sleep in the last 24, I'm tired. I keep thinking this will pass soon. Time is relative.

In a few weeks, I'll see my doctors again and discuss this with them. I do think one problem is that I've lost a lot of physical strength since I blew the disk in my back. I have no stamina and I need to get out and do some physical activity to rebuild that. But it is harder the older you get. Once, I'd have just started an aerobics routine and built up in a few weeks to an hour workout. The thought exhausts me now.

I hope your writing is progressing and if you're struggling with physical problems that interfere with your writing, just keep going. Don't give up or lose heart.  You'll feel worse if you stop. I've been entertaining that thought for weeks now. I'll just give up. No more writing. No more stories. No listening to the voice whisper adventures in the night. Just stop.

That is the most terrifying thought I've ever experienced.

The Underside of Platforms

Courtesy Pixabay.com

I don't get this whole platform thing. I mean, I know what it is... sort of. Where I'm from a platform is something you preach from or where you get on a train. Oh, and of course, the oil well platforms. There doesn't seem to be any similarities.

The current model seems to be metaphorical. I know you need "followers", a public who recognizes your name before you become famous. Of course, I'm making an effort with things like Facebook, Goodreads, Twitter, and a blog.

Recently, I started to push to get more followers on all those and have had some moderate success. I still don't know what it means but hey, there is a trail of people behind me. It just isn't enough. 

A few days ago I discovered that there might be a downside to this platform thing. Today I was reminded of it again. I should say the underside because there is definitely an underside. 

Once upon a time, I had a blog on a site called Multiply. I actually paid for it! I loved Multiply and all the friends I made there loved it, too. What I remember most from those days are the marriage proposals. I got quite a few from some Prince. Of course, I was younger then but I was also already married. He kept sending them, though.

In the last week, since I've been building this platform thingy, I had a message on Facebook from an extremely handsome fella asking if we could get acquainted. I got to tell you. It was so difficult (I'm not married now) but I was strong. I said, "Nope."

This week I got a message on Twitter. From a Polish fella in Georgia. I assume it is the US Georgia because there was some mention of Atlanta and I don't think the one in Europe has that. He keeps sending these inquiries into my health and happiness. Very polite, he is. Today he wanted to Hangout. I don't think he realizes that Google Hangouts is not the best platform for meeting someone. Skype has far superior functionality. 

Oh, and he had a photo, too. It was not the same man . . . unless the first photo was a fake. It wasn't nearly so difficult. I said, "I don't do hangouts with people I don't know. Thanks anyway." He continued to send me invites to these chat sessions with 20 other females involved! I'm not impressed or inclined to join the party. I blocked him today.

The combination of these two events made me realize that there could be things under this platform. I have extensive experience with things under floors. They tend to be unpleasant. Some have multiple legs that are all crooked. They have fat bulging bodies and bulging eyes and they jump in ways you can't predict and don't usually want. 

Hang on a second while I check around my chair. 

I don't want to appear unfriendly. I'm actually rather likable, on my good days. However, I'm just a bit hesitant about adding any more planks to this platform. I mean, I know I have to build the thing. I just really hope that that Prince doesn't do Twitter or Facebook. 

Firing, Hashing, & Crashing

If you remember, before my back surgery I had to hire an assistant. I mentioned it in a previous post. I even posted photos of him at work.  Well, sadly, I fear my assistant has loafing.

👈 Just look how I found him! Sleeping on the job. I'm telling you, you can't find good help these days. Just like Mike Rowe says, 5,000,000 jobs out there and they can't fill them. Probably because of people just like this guy. 

Fortunately, since my surgery, things are looking up and I'm able to type better and I don't have a lot of pain. I do have copious amounts of fatigue but I'm trying to work around that. I've been writing on two novels but I'm going to have to focus on one and get it done. 

There is so much I need to do around here, too. I still have the pass-thru to finish out and a couple of finishing touches in the den. After that, I have to work on the half bath. I have a new security light to get up outside, too. With no handyman about the house and Mike going back to work, I'm flying solo. Sarah said she'd hold the ladder. She wanted to use the drill but I think that'd be a bit dicey. 

And still plenty of writing to do. 

I want to sit down and work on my "world" for All That's Holy". That's been nagging at me. Of course, that could be just to pull me away from the real writing. I also need, that's NEED, to work up the final chapters to Long Summer Run. I'm there. Just do it! Overwhelming to have so many novels in the last stages of completion. This is what NaNo does to you!

Do other writers struggle with this kind of stuff? I fight the RA but mostly, I just do what I have to do, despite the pain. It is the fibro fatigue and brain fog that really gets to me. I can't find a way around that other than sleep.The good news is that now I can snuggle with my pillow on either side and not have to sleep totally on my back. This has been a gift. Things have improved so much since the surgery that it is frustrating to still deal with fibro. I have the added bonus of the bad angel nagging to write this, write that, over here, over there. I feel positively ADD.

I've prolonged the inevitable long enough. I must go write the real story. I hope I've not bored you to tears. If you're on Facebook or Twitter, follow me, please! I need followers. The links are on this page in the column. 

Have a great day!

Batter Up!

For this NaNo, I've been working on a previous NaNo novel. I haven't done much because of the back surgery and the nerve problem in my hand and arm have interfered with my ability to type. I've tried speech recognition software and managed to get some writing done. That's better than nothing. This last week, I worked on typing a bit. With over 60K words already written and a projected 30K to go, I've only produced the proverbial drop in the bucket. But I'm hopeful. At least, today I'm hopeful.

I really love this story, which is a far cry from most of my other NaNo novels. I only have one other that I truly love and it too is very near completion. My problem is that life is constantly throwing me curve balls in the form of illness or catastrophes such as a ruptured disk compressing my spine. To the point that I've despaired of finishing either novel. But I am working on both of them. 

Yes, both. I've decided that the way to deal with a curve ball is to find a new batting style. I've decided to ask what novel I want to work on for the day and to work on that one. If I grow tired or hit a roadblock, I will work on the other one. This has actually helped because it removes some my excuses for not writing at all and I manage to make some progress.

It never fails when I'm working on something that another story comes to mind that I could be working on. I try sticking to one but sometimes, I just hit a spot I feel I can't go further. Usually, that can shut me down for a while. Now, I just open the other story and start working on that. This has been surprisingly helpful. It means I'm writing. It also means boredom isn't a factor in my writing. I also found that it tends to push me to try to stick with the story I have open. Because after all, I want to finish ONE of them!

Maybe it isn't the best solution but at the end of the week, I'll have worked on two stories instead of one. Right now I'm focusing on All That's Holy because I really need to get some things structured. The story is complex and has a parallel structure. So, a lot going on and it feels all over the place. It probably isn't as bad as it feels but there is a lot of work to do on it before the 1st draft is done.

I hope your writing week has been productive, despite the holiday stupor that gets to all of us.

The Voices In My Head

Thanks Pixabay.com

I spent a whole day this past week wondering why I bother. Why do I even think about writing? What's the use? What's the point? Who am I kidding, I stink. I'm terrible. I'm sick all the time. I don't write enough. I can't think. I have so much to do and can't get my act together.

I give up! I just quit. I'm not going to bother even trying. I can't do it anyway and my mind seems to have taken a permanent vacation. So, I should, too.

Yeah, I said that.

And was immediately miserable.

I don't write because someone makes me. Maybe if they did, I'd be more productive. I do it because I can't help it. Even when I feel awful, I try and write something. But it seems so little that I end up angry and frustrated with myself.

Every year I start a schedule but then something happens about 4 months in that totally derails me. Usually, my RA or Fibromyalgia flares and I'm knocked down. I keep writing but the momentum is gone and sometimes, even the energy. I become too ill to get anything done.

Today was one of those days. I went back to bed after I got Sarah to school and slept hard for two more hours. The rest of the day I lay in my recliner, still exhausted. I can't tell you what I did because I don't remember. I dozed off and on all afternoon. I think I read some. I think I went somewhere.. oh yeah, to lunch with Mike. Wow, totally forgot that. My back hurt, my hand hurt, and I was so tired when I got home, it was an effort to stay awake. So, I slept. Those types of days are frequent.

I beat myself up. I flay myself until I'm bleeding from every pore. Metaphorically, of course. I fall into a depression and despair of every producing another completed piece. I quit. At least once a year.

Then, I find something in a file that I wrote. And I'm shocked because I don't remember writing it and I wonder how I wrote such beautiful prose. Then, the voices in my head start talking about the story, pouring details so fast I can't keep up. I'm driven back to the keyboard to get it all down and repeat the process.

Maybe I'll finish something. Maybe I won't. That bothers me most. But I can't stop. I can't quit. I have no choice. The voices in my head won't let me quit. They may become overwhelmed by pain and despair but they refuse to remain silent for long.