Be Nice or Shut Your Mouth

I ended the Facebook "fast" yesterday. I was having some real problems with severe depression and abysmal loneliness all accompanied by the never ending pain. My state of mind was toxic and required action.

Taking off Facebook seemed counter intuitive because I felt it would further isolate me and make the situation worse. However, the day before I went off, someone made a thoughtless comment that really hit me at the worst point in my mental state. It was a trigger, and it worked.

Let me tell you people something. You need to watch your mouth when you know someone is struggling with personal issues, regardless of what form they take. I'm not a person who will go out and kill myself. I have religious beliefs that make that difficult for me. It is just one more thing to deal with and I'm not inclined to add to my grief or other's. However, you won't know that. Even I don't know.

I have a history of clinical depression. It was 20 yrs ago at least. I was suicidal and got right down to the planning stage. But God was so merciful to me and got me help (I learned to self medicate using supplements and herbals) before I did something stupid. Because of that experience, I'm highly susceptible to depression. Depression, for me, is the beast lurking in the dark.

Secondary to the depression, they diagnosed me with PTSD at the death of my husband. I presume the ramifications of that are clear, without my having to explain it. I'm certain I'm not the only person in the world like this. So you need to shut your mouth if you have no tact because you could cause irreparable damage to someone like me.

I left the comment on the site but the person who made the comment can't see my posts now. I've unfollowed them. I never delete comments unless they're obscene. I figure your mouth is my best defense. I never delete people either unless they're crazy or obscene. Again, better the world see you for a fool so I don't have to explain it.

I went off intending to do a month but stopped at 17 days. I will probably do more soon. I've done this before, here and there but with my state of mind this time, the whole thing surprised me a bit.

What did I do? Other things. I've been doing some crochet and more reading. Played some games here and there. I went to the gym but a nasty turn in the weather this week disrupted my system and my pain escalated to where Sunday I had to have a cane to walk. I thought the gym might be a bad idea today, even though I'm better after many applications of Pennsaid Solution. Well, I don't need the cane now. So.

I've been on Instagram some, posting photos but that isn't really my thing much since Sarah left. I enjoyed looking at other people's photos more and found some crochet patterns I want to try. I've been going over some writing things but once the weather shifted, writing wasn't possible again. I discovered some new podcasts, too. Mike and I have been spending more time together since he's had places he needed to go and he always spends time here when he does that. The cats are thrilled, especially Jet. They have a real bromance going on.

After about 10 days, I realized my mood was slightly better, but the depression was hanging on. Until yesterday I just couldn't shake it. Today isn't so bad.

I've learned that one personal failing, or one comment, however well intentioned, can send a person into a nosedive as fatal as a plane crash. That's what living with depression is like. The things that trigger an episode are so stinking random.

So, be nice or be scarce. And if you really hate reading about people's problems go away so we don't have to bother with you. You're adding to the problems. My blogs all state what I'm dealing with and that the posts are about those things. I suppose I should label Facebook but I've laid out my position very clearly in the About section. I should review it I guess and update it.

One negative of the whole thing is that I blew my diet out of the water. Totally sunk the boat. But I didn't gain any weight. So, a bit of silver lining there. Oh, I bought a food scale, too. I think it will help me keep track of the little things like nuts or fruits. We'll see.

Have a great week. It is just getting started, and I'd like to believe it will be good.