I Feel Good! I'm Going to Write Now

 It's what I call myself. Once I got the courage. When the writing group published our anthology, I called myself an author. But imposter syndrome is real.

The doctor finally prescribed a medicine that has nearly eliminated my pain. Miracles happen! Well, they do to me. Last night, I experienced a good night's rest, a first in about a year. Today, I didn't mind doing the laundry. Even after running a couple of errands, I didn't feel exhausted. 

You can't imagine how relieved I am. To get out of bed and be able to walk down the hall on feet that do not feel like railroad gravel is amazing. I can't describe getting out of a chair without my knees locking and screaming at me to sit down. Of course, walking anywhere for even a half-dozen steps seems like you won the lottery. 

My hands? You know the clunky things I used to write with... yeah, fingers. They're not hurting as much and they haven't been swelling. I have worn elastic fingerless gloves for at least a year now, not every night, but most. Haven't worn them at all this week. My fingers still hurt, but moving them is easier, and they hurt much less. 

I could even write a bit a over the weekend. That was the best feeling of all. I craved to write so much; only to find my hands hurt, my hips were excruciating, and my brain seemed to have taken a long trip. Pain steals every ounce of energy and joy. When I did write, I managed a few hundred words and have to stop and the writing was horrible. 

I am optimistic that the medicine will help me get back to writing regularly. One thing is for sure, I've done a lot of reading. I'm at 39 books on Goodreads and in the process of reading another right now. I've also been reading my Bible a lot more. I do a daily study in YouVersion every day but I also read my own Bible. 

If you're not into reading the Bible, I'd encourage you to do so. Even if you're not a Christian. If you're educated, profess to know a lot, and haven't read the cultural icons of the nation you live in, or in fact, the world, you're not educated. Most of our US Presidents have read the Bible. I suspect many world leaders have read it. To ignore something that has deeply impacted the government of our country and may others is just stupid.

Sermon over. 

Are you writing? Are you a writer? Do you suffer from imposter syndrome? You may be entitled to ... never mind.  

I feel so much better!

 

Be Nice or Shut Your Mouth

I ended the Facebook "fast" yesterday. I was having some real problems with severe depression and abysmal loneliness all accompanied by the never ending pain. My state of mind was toxic and required action.

Taking off Facebook seemed counter intuitive because I felt it would further isolate me and make the situation worse. However, the day before I went off, someone made a thoughtless comment that really hit me at the worst point in my mental state. It was a trigger, and it worked.

Let me tell you people something. You need to watch your mouth when you know someone is struggling with personal issues, regardless of what form they take. I'm not a person who will go out and kill myself. I have religious beliefs that make that difficult for me. It is just one more thing to deal with and I'm not inclined to add to my grief or other's. However, you won't know that. Even I don't know.

I have a history of clinical depression. It was 20 yrs ago at least. I was suicidal and got right down to the planning stage. But God was so merciful to me and got me help (I learned to self medicate using supplements and herbals) before I did something stupid. Because of that experience, I'm highly susceptible to depression. Depression, for me, is the beast lurking in the dark.

Secondary to the depression, they diagnosed me with PTSD at the death of my husband. I presume the ramifications of that are clear, without my having to explain it. I'm certain I'm not the only person in the world like this. So you need to shut your mouth if you have no tact because you could cause irreparable damage to someone like me.

I left the comment on the site but the person who made the comment can't see my posts now. I've unfollowed them. I never delete comments unless they're obscene. I figure your mouth is my best defense. I never delete people either unless they're crazy or obscene. Again, better the world see you for a fool so I don't have to explain it.

I went off intending to do a month but stopped at 17 days. I will probably do more soon. I've done this before, here and there but with my state of mind this time, the whole thing surprised me a bit.

What did I do? Other things. I've been doing some crochet and more reading. Played some games here and there. I went to the gym but a nasty turn in the weather this week disrupted my system and my pain escalated to where Sunday I had to have a cane to walk. I thought the gym might be a bad idea today, even though I'm better after many applications of Pennsaid Solution. Well, I don't need the cane now. So.

I've been on Instagram some, posting photos but that isn't really my thing much since Sarah left. I enjoyed looking at other people's photos more and found some crochet patterns I want to try. I've been going over some writing things but once the weather shifted, writing wasn't possible again. I discovered some new podcasts, too. Mike and I have been spending more time together since he's had places he needed to go and he always spends time here when he does that. The cats are thrilled, especially Jet. They have a real bromance going on.

After about 10 days, I realized my mood was slightly better, but the depression was hanging on. Until yesterday I just couldn't shake it. Today isn't so bad.

I've learned that one personal failing, or one comment, however well intentioned, can send a person into a nosedive as fatal as a plane crash. That's what living with depression is like. The things that trigger an episode are so stinking random.

So, be nice or be scarce. And if you really hate reading about people's problems go away so we don't have to bother with you. You're adding to the problems. My blogs all state what I'm dealing with and that the posts are about those things. I suppose I should label Facebook but I've laid out my position very clearly in the About section. I should review it I guess and update it.

One negative of the whole thing is that I blew my diet out of the water. Totally sunk the boat. But I didn't gain any weight. So, a bit of silver lining there. Oh, I bought a food scale, too. I think it will help me keep track of the little things like nuts or fruits. We'll see.

Have a great week. It is just getting started, and I'd like to believe it will be good.

Resurrection D

As anyone who had read the blog in the last six weeks will know, I've been sick. A cold laid me flat and after I began to get over it, I was slammed by the worst fatigue I have had in, well, I can't remember.

Take note, please, although I've experienced some mild fatigue for the last two days I have not taken more than an hour nap and that was yesterday. I've been able to wash clothes and put away laundry, wash dishes, and I have a roast in the cooker for dinner. Yeah, I know!

Alas, no writing yet but I feel that by the end of the week I'll be able to get back into the novels. I think I'm learning patience. UGH! Whatever, I'm thankful to be almost free of that deadly exhaustion.

I do not say deadly lightly. I really was getting worried by this past Sunday. The cold was cleared up but I've been sleeping an average of 12 hrs a day. Usually 6-8 at night and then having to sleep anywhere from 4-6 hours in the daytime. It wasn't voluntary either. I had to lie down or I'd fall down and I fell asleep nearly instantly every time. I had people calling to see if I was all right because they knew something was wrong with me. So, this wasn't me being dramatic.

The good news is I think I found the cause. About a month ago, when I became so sick with the cold, I had run out of my vitamin D. I kept trying to remember to go get more but I either was too sick to go get it, couldn't remember to ask someone, or when I was out, didn't remember myself. So, I've been without vitamin D3 for about 6 weeks.

On Sunday I got depressed and desperate. I basically prayed and ask God to help me find out what was causing this problem. Because I absolutely knew it was abnormal. That evening, as I was taking my pills, something just told me to go to the store and get the vitamin D. I didn't waste time. I left in the middle of things, got it, and came back. I took 15,000 units Sunday night. Monday morning I took 15,000 unit. Yes, yes, yes, I know that is a lot. Trust me, I've been doing this a long time, over 10 years, in fact. I've been taking 10,000 units, over doctor protest, that long. I get regular bloodwork, at MY request, to monitor my blood levels of D. I have never been over 100 and toxic is 170.

Here's the thing. Several meds I take for RA actually prevent the absorption of D. In other words, any D I get, whether via sunshine, foods, or pills are blocked by those meds. When they first discovered that I had a deficiency, I had recently been diagnosed with RA and fibro. I was at a blood level of 25. The started me on 1000 units. No impact. They raised me to 2000 units. No impact. They raised me to 5000 units and got my blood up to 30.  I took that for a very long time. Until I changed doctors.

In the meantime, I did research, lots and lots of research. I read books on D and the medical studies on it and the relationship to autoimmune diseases. So, I know what I'm talking about. I had a hip problem and it developed into a leg problem and I could not walk some days without out a cane. I was in my 50's! My research revealed a connection to bone and muscle pain and D deficiency. I asked my new doc it I could take 10,000 units. She said yes. Hip and leg pain disappeared. No cane needed, thank you.

Now, back to today. As of today, the brain fog is slowly passing. Muscle pain and joint pain has decreased substantially. Remember the pain from the weekend? Go read the blog or Facebook. That pain is nearly gone. The damaged nerve in my hand is always in pain. For weeks it has been worse than when I ruptured the disk and nearly unbearable. Today... minimal pain that is bearable. I've even gone without the hand cover I wear constantly. But the major impact is that I'm not falling down with exhaustion and passing out as soon as I sit down.

For close to 5 years my doctors kept wanting me to reduce my D intake. I've refused, citing my bloodwork and the pills that are affecting absorption. Two years ago my RA doc finally conceded that I "tolerate high doses of D very well" and suggested I keep taking it. (smirk) Certainly. I never had any intention of doing differently.

I'm anxious to write now. I mean right NOW. I can actually feel my brain beginning to kick into gear. It is always astonishing. I can't believe I went 6 weeks and never made the connection. Of course, in that condition, you aren't thinking. Because I KNEW you see. I should have caught it earlier but I guess because I was so sick with the cold and not functioning well anyway that it just got by me. Please, if you hear me talking about that fatigue again, remind me!

And if you struggle with autoimmune diseases, chronic fatigue, or fibromyalgia please demand they check your D levels. If they're below 50 I'm telling you, you need more D. Do your research. Search Google Scholar because they have medical documentation of research and trials. Be very specific. For example, I research Vitamin D and medications that prevent absorption, Vitamin D and RA, D and Fibromyalgia, D and chronic fatigue. Research your disorder and Vitamin D. I think you'll be shocked. Also, you might look for a book called, The Miraculous Result of Extremely High Doses of Vitamin D This is not an endorsement of his use of extremely high doses of D. I DO NOT SUGGEST that you take high doses of D without blood work and monitoring but the data in this book is what you need. In an earlier version, he gives hundreds of links to clinical trials and articles on this topic. You don't have to have to book to research it yourself. It was just one of the triggers that got me started.

Now I will leave you. I have a school meeting that I will be able to stay awake for and then I have to get back home and with luck, I'll have my evening free to relax. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'll be taking the 15,000 units at least thru the end of the week.  I think that the weekend might just be awesome. I don't think it will be as bad as the last one.

Firing, Hashing, & Crashing

If you remember, before my back surgery I had to hire an assistant. I mentioned it in a previous post. I even posted photos of him at work.  Well, sadly, I fear my assistant has loafing.

👈 Just look how I found him! Sleeping on the job. I'm telling you, you can't find good help these days. Just like Mike Rowe says, 5,000,000 jobs out there and they can't fill them. Probably because of people just like this guy. 

Fortunately, since my surgery, things are looking up and I'm able to type better and I don't have a lot of pain. I do have copious amounts of fatigue but I'm trying to work around that. I've been writing on two novels but I'm going to have to focus on one and get it done. 

There is so much I need to do around here, too. I still have the pass-thru to finish out and a couple of finishing touches in the den. After that, I have to work on the half bath. I have a new security light to get up outside, too. With no handyman about the house and Mike going back to work, I'm flying solo. Sarah said she'd hold the ladder. She wanted to use the drill but I think that'd be a bit dicey. 

And still plenty of writing to do. 

I want to sit down and work on my "world" for All That's Holy". That's been nagging at me. Of course, that could be just to pull me away from the real writing. I also need, that's NEED, to work up the final chapters to Long Summer Run. I'm there. Just do it! Overwhelming to have so many novels in the last stages of completion. This is what NaNo does to you!

Do other writers struggle with this kind of stuff? I fight the RA but mostly, I just do what I have to do, despite the pain. It is the fibro fatigue and brain fog that really gets to me. I can't find a way around that other than sleep.The good news is that now I can snuggle with my pillow on either side and not have to sleep totally on my back. This has been a gift. Things have improved so much since the surgery that it is frustrating to still deal with fibro. I have the added bonus of the bad angel nagging to write this, write that, over here, over there. I feel positively ADD.

I've prolonged the inevitable long enough. I must go write the real story. I hope I've not bored you to tears. If you're on Facebook or Twitter, follow me, please! I need followers. The links are on this page in the column. 

Have a great day!

Writing Things

Courtesy Pixabay.com

September has been an unusual month and I'm just 9 days into it. I've not written much of my own since the last post. A variety of issues: unrelenting pain of the joints, skin, and tissue, birthday celebrations, and a house in dire need of cleaning have all played a part in my failing to write and perform said cleaning. 

I had a good day this week where I rapidly put away most of the laundry from last week and finished up my granddaughter's bedroom redo, i.e. hanging her pictures, plaques, and decorative items on the freshly painted walls. Also, there are now three loads of fresh laundry keeping company with the laundry which remained from my... well, this is getting as tiresome as the laundry. Just know there's still a pile of laundry. And my feet now are extremely unhappy with their enforced half day march.

I have been making an effort to read more since all over body pain makes it virtually impossible to do anything but lie in a chair that does little to alleviate pain in the pressure points. I've got several books started. Several others I've stopped because.. well, they just didn't hold my fog shrouded interest. I've taken steps to help with this by taking books to the bathroom. One always finds one can concentrate better there. Sadly, the accommodations are not equal to the Lazy Boy. Still, one might get a chapter read at times. It is unfortunate that I can't read in the shower.

Another thing I've been doing is editing the short stories for the anthology. I'm able to sit for this, but I found the long bouts at the computer to be not so good for my back and neck. However, the writers have turned them all in and now we're in the editing/revising stage. We only have two people editing so it is going to take a while and the pain involved will have to be borne. I'm doing the first round, a line edit. They revise. The next editor gets the next round. I will probably have to reread the finished product to ensure everything is formatted, but I don't want to put the horse behind the cart. 

I actually managed a visit to the library the day I had to pick up a prescription from the doctor's office. If you really want to know, see  Update to Medical Woes. I have to mail that in but I've not done it yet. Again, just getting up and doing simple tasks has been difficult with the overall pain. 

Anyway, I checked out several books I wanted to attempt to read. I am reading Spunk & Bite by Arthur Plotnik. Obviously, any writer should get the humor in the title. The cover states it is "A writer's guide to punchier, more engaging language & style." I've found it amusing and I'm actually enjoying the author's ideas of "punchier language". He practices what he preaches, to the extreme to prove a point. The title of the first chapter is E. B. Whitewashed  and he tells about the creation and subsequent incarnations of Strunk & White The Elements of Style. I recommend both books. 

I'm also reading Bloody Mary, by J. A. Konrath, that I got free for Kindle some time ago. I haven't read Konrath before, but I like his writing. This particular book is good and will probably mean that I'll read more of Konrath. That's the beauty of free. I think I've figured who the perp is and I'm not at the halfway point, but his intro promised a twist in the middle so maybe not. He writes so well and the pace is so quick that it is easy to forget how long you've been reading. I couldn't put it down last night and stayed up past my bedtime, which could account for my oversleeping this morning and having to rush to get Sarah to school. Obviously, the brain fog only extends so far.

I checked out two other books that looked interesting, but I'm not sure I'll get them read or even started. 

Fiction First Aid by Raymon Obstfeld: I like the format and the chapter titles sound interesting, so I really want to at least read some of it. It is the kind of book I'd buy for my reference shelf.

Murder and Mayhem, A Doctor Answers Medical & Forensic Question for Mystery Writers  by D. P. Lyle, M.D.: I have to say this book would be handy for any writing. It covers a hospital full of medical issues in question/answer format. You may get a little first aide along the way. I've only scanned some of it. I told my son today that I wasn't sure I could actually read the whole thing. It is quite gruesome in places, a necessity if you're doing research. There is a disclaimer in the preface that says the book is not to be used in the commission of any criminal activity. I believe he's also written a sequel. There are apparently so many ways to die it can't be covered in one book.

How To Write A Damn Good Mystery by James N. Frey: I've read something by Frey before but can't remember the name of the book. I've wanted to read this one for a while but ... never mind. So, I checked it out. If it seems useful I'll buy a copy from Amazon. 

Don't be shocked by the volume of volumes.  I used to check out twice this many books before I drifted into the Fibro Fog Bank. These days I take it a book at a time, but it is horrible for a book lover to do that. I want piles of them around me, reading a bit from each daily. I simply have problems concentrating for long periods of time on certain types of things. 

My next trick will be to work on a couple of my pieces. I'm going to stop worrying about how much writing I do and just worry about getting any writing done. 

Right.