Be Nice or Shut Your Mouth

I ended the Facebook "fast" yesterday. I was having some real problems with severe depression and abysmal loneliness all accompanied by the never ending pain. My state of mind was toxic and required action.

Taking off Facebook seemed counter intuitive because I felt it would further isolate me and make the situation worse. However, the day before I went off, someone made a thoughtless comment that really hit me at the worst point in my mental state. It was a trigger, and it worked.

Let me tell you people something. You need to watch your mouth when you know someone is struggling with personal issues, regardless of what form they take. I'm not a person who will go out and kill myself. I have religious beliefs that make that difficult for me. It is just one more thing to deal with and I'm not inclined to add to my grief or other's. However, you won't know that. Even I don't know.

I have a history of clinical depression. It was 20 yrs ago at least. I was suicidal and got right down to the planning stage. But God was so merciful to me and got me help (I learned to self medicate using supplements and herbals) before I did something stupid. Because of that experience, I'm highly susceptible to depression. Depression, for me, is the beast lurking in the dark.

Secondary to the depression, they diagnosed me with PTSD at the death of my husband. I presume the ramifications of that are clear, without my having to explain it. I'm certain I'm not the only person in the world like this. So you need to shut your mouth if you have no tact because you could cause irreparable damage to someone like me.

I left the comment on the site but the person who made the comment can't see my posts now. I've unfollowed them. I never delete comments unless they're obscene. I figure your mouth is my best defense. I never delete people either unless they're crazy or obscene. Again, better the world see you for a fool so I don't have to explain it.

I went off intending to do a month but stopped at 17 days. I will probably do more soon. I've done this before, here and there but with my state of mind this time, the whole thing surprised me a bit.

What did I do? Other things. I've been doing some crochet and more reading. Played some games here and there. I went to the gym but a nasty turn in the weather this week disrupted my system and my pain escalated to where Sunday I had to have a cane to walk. I thought the gym might be a bad idea today, even though I'm better after many applications of Pennsaid Solution. Well, I don't need the cane now. So.

I've been on Instagram some, posting photos but that isn't really my thing much since Sarah left. I enjoyed looking at other people's photos more and found some crochet patterns I want to try. I've been going over some writing things but once the weather shifted, writing wasn't possible again. I discovered some new podcasts, too. Mike and I have been spending more time together since he's had places he needed to go and he always spends time here when he does that. The cats are thrilled, especially Jet. They have a real bromance going on.

After about 10 days, I realized my mood was slightly better, but the depression was hanging on. Until yesterday I just couldn't shake it. Today isn't so bad.

I've learned that one personal failing, or one comment, however well intentioned, can send a person into a nosedive as fatal as a plane crash. That's what living with depression is like. The things that trigger an episode are so stinking random.

So, be nice or be scarce. And if you really hate reading about people's problems go away so we don't have to bother with you. You're adding to the problems. My blogs all state what I'm dealing with and that the posts are about those things. I suppose I should label Facebook but I've laid out my position very clearly in the About section. I should review it I guess and update it.

One negative of the whole thing is that I blew my diet out of the water. Totally sunk the boat. But I didn't gain any weight. So, a bit of silver lining there. Oh, I bought a food scale, too. I think it will help me keep track of the little things like nuts or fruits. We'll see.

Have a great week. It is just getting started, and I'd like to believe it will be good.

Black Holes

I don't know what is going on here but they've been at it for several days now. The door goes into the garage and no one lives here but the three of us. There was no sound that I could hear.

If you note, just above Kiki's head (the one on the left) there is a dark spot. That's where the baseboard doesn't quite reach the door frame. We had a new door installed years ago, and the trim is narrower than the original door. I'm not changing out a whole baseboard for a quarter of an inch crack. This crack seems to be what is holding their interest. 

A side note here. We've always had a problem with field mice getting in. This crack used to be one of the places they could access. There is a similar crack on the right side of the door. A few years ago, I figured this out, and on the garage side I filled the very large openings with spray foam. And I kept rat poison at each point. We've not had them coming in there since then. So, I don't know what they're seeing, hearing, or smelling. I don't think they do and that's the draw.

They're a great comfort these days when the depression is more than I can handle. There is something calming about a kitten hopping onto your lap and snuggling against you. Usually, I'm feeling exactly the same way but there is not a lap for me or shoulder.

Today, I went Thorton's to get a drink to go with the burger I was having for supper. As I walked out of the store, a thought almost stopped me in my tracks. I don't really know who I am. I went to the car and sat there for several minutes thinking about it. Aloud, I said, "I knew at 17 more about who I was, what I wanted to be, and what I wanted to do than I do now. I'm 63 and I don't have a clue."

No one responded. They never do. I fleetingly wondered if I should see a shrink.

I suppose, this is all tangled up in that skein of grief that unravels every year during the holidays. I don't know. In fact, I don't think I know anything. I came home to the cats peering into a hole.

I have a feeling that I am, too.

Revelations

I'm off Facebook for the moment, well, actually for January. I might stay off longer since I'm finding the hiatus soothing and relaxing.

My church does this "social media fast" every January. That isn't why I'm doing it. I'm doing it for me. Because I'm sick of Facebook. I love those real friends I'm made there but there is so much nastiness that I really don't like it.

So why am I there? I have a large family scattered across about 7 states. Keeping in touch is easier on Facebook. We even have a group page. I have writing groups that are interesting and some local folks that I consider friends. There are people I met through my writing I enjoy chatting with. Oh, and because "they" said if you're a writer, you need a page. So, here I are. . .well, there I are.

The thing is, the absence is having an interesting effect. No, I'm not working on the novels. I'm still blocked, mostly. I am, however, finding my other creative outlets coming out. I'm crocheting more if my hands aren't bothering me. I'm getting to the gym a tad more. I'm reading more. I play with the kittens. I get the laundry put away more often. I am on Instagram but that's a different thing altogether. They have a lot of craft ideas and so does Pinterest.

All around, my life is shifting back to center. Probably a good thing.

Does anyone remember what people were like before social media? Before the internet?  I know we think it's a wonderful thing. It might be if it were an actual tool rather than an escape or a platform. Look at that! The people pushing it even call it a "platform". It's designed solely to push agendas. Of course, it's marketed as a way for people to "connect" but that couldn't be further from the truth.

The reality is it drives a wedge between people already separated by distance. They're not close enough to hug you ... or slap you, so you can say what you want and consequences be damned. And the nicest people become rude and cruel. Me included. I try very hard not to be nasty, but with so many snowflakes around, no matter what you say someone gets offended. 

Think about the people you know on Facebook. I don't have thousands or even hundreds of friends. I'm very particular and have never sought to add people. I even have relatives not on my list. But how many do we really know? I'm fairly certain I know or am related to over 50% of my contacts personally. It's probably closer to 75%.  Can you say that? If so, that's great but I'm guessing that most people can't say that.

We're people who want to connect. And TPTB have sold us a gimmick that promises to do just that. And then your "friend" unfriends you because they disagreed with you or found your values offensive.

The fact is that you never connected at all. Real friends can accept differences in opinion, values, and colors without making a big stink about it. Real friends just ignore the irritations that arise between them or they approach it reasonably and without malice. They understand your stresses, pains, and troubles and if they don't, they need not take you to task over it. That thoughtless person who continually says hurtful things is not and never was a friend. I may very well fall in this category on someone's list. That's just the realities of Facebook. We aren't friends if we behave like antagonists.

None of this occurred to me until I separated myself from Facebook. I'll admit it is a kind of revelation. I seldom unfriend people, unless their material is so offensive I can't in good conscience keep them on. However, I've been unfriended a few times. I can be brutal in my statements. By that I mean direct and unpolitically correct. I don't hide behind masks very well. So, folks get annoyed and offended.

I rarely delete comments unless they're obscene because I figure if you want to make a fool of yourself, I won't stop you. My policy is to unfollow and see how that goes while taking steps so they don't see my post much if at all. I've blocked some post from certain contacts. Eventually, they'll drop me. I never get offended by this.

The realization that Facebook is a negative force in the world is probably not new but I think I've only recently realized the depth of the negativity. It isn't really a nice place, but it's convinced a lot of us it is. I'm going to have to reevaluate how I use it and how frequently.

If you've not taken time away from social media, and I mean more than a day or a week, I urge you to try a month-long fast. It may surprise you. Be advised, it is not as easy as you think. In fact, I suspect most won't be able to do it. Give it a shot, anyway.

Wish Me

The new year arrived with a fizzle. I prayed it in and then sat and watch YouTube videos until about 2 a.m. Somewhere in the distance there were fireworks, but I didn't look out.  It didn't matter.

The kittens woke me at 8 as they do every morning. Jet seems to think he will die if he doesn't eat something. He's a stressful eater, bolting the food as quickly as possible. I suspect in his previous life before the shelter he had to compete for food. I need to get one of those things that slow them down but Kiki is a laid back nibbler. They have their own bowls but she even waits sometimes for him to begin to eat first and a few times I've seen her sit and watch him until he's done. She takes what he leaves. She typically won't eat without him though, so feeding them in different areas is out. When we give them treats, we do separate them or she won't get any at all. 

I'd like to start the new year with a list of resolutions. You know, those things we all promise ourselves we'll do but then don't? Yeah. I'd like to do that this year. I won't. I can't stand liars and living with one would be impossible.

So, no resolutions for me. I could try a list of wants, I guess.

I want to pray more.
I want to write more and for that writing to be something worthwhile.
I want ...

Nevermind. That won't do anything but depress me. I want nothing. Nope, nothing. If I survive this new decade, I will consider myself infinitely blessed and have no need of anything but what I have now.  Food, shelter, clothing, bills paid, and abundant books and writing equipment. Even if said equipment is underutilized. 

Here's how things stand. I'm working on my weight. To lose it, not gain. I am trying to do more crochet for other people. I never do it for myself, anyway. I am trying to write, despite my block and hand problems.

That's it. I wish you a Happy New Year. 

Wish me a year of no heartbreak and no pain. Yeah, not very promising, is it?